Depakote and chill?

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Day 2 of starting to take Depakote as a mood stabilizer. Woke up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. When I was teaching, going to sleep or staying asleep was never a problem for me due to sheer exhaustion.

Ever since I got arrested back in Jan. and the two panic attacks the following two days, my mania has been off the charts. My entire life I have been very calm and collected. My students once commented “Mister, I’ve never seen you mad before”. Unfortunately bottling up your emotions can cause bigger problems later.

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I believe my hardened emotions began my freshman year of college at age 18 I was taking psychedelics pretty frequently. This was important for opening my mind, but I was living in the dormitory and didn’t have a safe space to trip.

So at that time I was hyper-stimulated, nowhere to go, and surrounded by boring skater stoners.

They were giggling at stupid shit, while I was trying to reach ego-loss and become one with all humanity.

And my mind filled in the gaps. I thought that Jesus intervened during my last acid trip, and then I had a religious/social paranoia that lasted for several years after stopping those drugs.

I had gone to about 3 free therapy sessions on campus through the university, all while my stomach is becoming one solid piece of emotionally unavailable rock. I tried to explain this to the counselors I didn’t know, but I eventually just resigned to bottling it up inside.

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So I rode it out because I had no other choice. I actually went back to church for about a year with an old high school friend of mine. This was soooo helpful and important for me at the time. I needed a purpose or a voice to follow, and this community of people accepted me unconditionally.

During this time I was socially awkward and kinda on the lunatic fringe. I got into conspiracy theories and weird illuminati shit. I believed that we were living in the End Times. I had to embarrass myself by exposing my ideas to friends in order to snap out of it.

My elaborate schemes and stories of trying to explain some shadow government were pretty exciting to imagine. Somehow if there’s this ring of evil men (lizards) behind the government, politics seemed to make more sense. There was a clear target and humans are not the problem, it’s those abject others.

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Of course that was all bullshit, but then I learned what the IMF, World Bank, and Council on Foreign Relations (of the USA) were. These people have names and job titles and their main flaw is they’re so rich that their decision-making interests are against the majority of humans.

So I’m guessing the origins of my (undiagnosed) bipolar disorder go back to this troubled time for me. That was 12 years ago and now at age 30, I feel like I’m finally opening up.

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8 thoughts on “Depakote and chill?

  1. Keep sharing. I’m reading, I’m interested.

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  2. i have just recently started taking depakote, as well and would be curious to hear your experiences with it–if you don’t mind sharing.
    i’ve had some pretty severely mixed feelings on it, especially now that my body has adjusted enough for me to take the 250 mg tablets three times daily.

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    1. My sister had horror stories and gained a bunch of weight on it. So far I’ve taken it a week and it was really important to get me to calm down. Im only taking one 250mg at night. I’m getting better except I have to sleep like 2-3 hours in the afternoon

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      1. i’m really paranoid about the prospect of weight gain–not that it should be a big deal–but i have enough arbitrary self criticisms and don’t know that adding another to the list is such a hot idea.
        you’ve been feeling calmer? i would say at each dose increase i felt a little bit spacey, thick tongued, and confused, but mostly i’ve been feeling more at ease. or a part of me is feeling more at ease–other times i feel like the same me trapped with in another me. kind of like matryoshka dolls.

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      2. Well the point is to use the meds in order to get back to the real you. Depression physically gets us stuck in a feedback loop where we can’t get ourselves out of it. The medication only treats the physical symptoms, but it’s up to you to get a fighting energy to pull yourself up, cause no one else can do it for you.

        The very first morning after taking my first dose, I was like “wtf I’m so hungry”. I think it’s cause the medicine relieves the spasms caused by anxiety, so my internal organs are allowed to relax and function normally. Maybe if ppl gain weight it’s because they are using food for the “feel good” chemicals because life is shit.

        So the most important thing no matter what is changing your thought process. The medication is only a means to an end

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  3. i get that medication is a tool and not a solution–i don’t know that that necessarily changes symptoms (self-induced or otherwise)) that people get from it, even if they are nonphysical symptoms such as an increased lack of self control or whatever it may be for them.
    agreed, i know a lot of people who use food as a bandaid.
    i’m trying to remain aware of what’s going on and make the best choices i feel i can/determine the pros vs. cons…i guess that’s the best i feel capable of in this moment.

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    1. That’s all you can ever do! In teaching it’s called the growth-mindset. You sound smart like you know what’s going on, so I think now maybe you just need to learn to trust yourself more. You’ll be fine 😊

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      1. haha, you will not be the first or last person to tell me that i need to trust myself more. you are very right. thank you, though. it does help to have a reminder.

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