Day 2 of starting to take Depakote as a mood stabilizer. Woke up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. When I was teaching, going to sleep or staying asleep was never a problem for me due to sheer exhaustion.
Ever since I got arrested back in Jan. and the two panic attacks the following two days, my mania has been off the charts. My entire life I have been very calm and collected. My students once commented “Mister, I’ve never seen you mad before”. Unfortunately bottling up your emotions can cause bigger problems later.
I believe my hardened emotions began my freshman year of college at age 18 I was taking psychedelics pretty frequently. This was important for opening my mind, but I was living in the dormitory and didn’t have a safe space to trip.
So at that time I was hyper-stimulated, nowhere to go, and surrounded by boring skater stoners.
They were giggling at stupid shit, while I was trying to reach ego-loss and become one with all humanity.
And my mind filled in the gaps. I thought that Jesus intervened during my last acid trip, and then I had a religious/social paranoia that lasted for several years after stopping those drugs.
I had gone to about 3 free therapy sessions on campus through the university, all while my stomach is becoming one solid piece of emotionally unavailable rock. I tried to explain this to the counselors I didn’t know, but I eventually just resigned to bottling it up inside.
So I rode it out because I had no other choice. I actually went back to church for about a year with an old high school friend of mine. This was soooo helpful and important for me at the time. I needed a purpose or a voice to follow, and this community of people accepted me unconditionally.
During this time I was socially awkward and kinda on the lunatic fringe. I got into conspiracy theories and weird illuminati shit. I believed that we were living in the End Times. I had to embarrass myself by exposing my ideas to friends in order to snap out of it.
My elaborate schemes and stories of trying to explain some shadow government were pretty exciting to imagine. Somehow if there’s this ring of evil men (lizards) behind the government, politics seemed to make more sense. There was a clear target and humans are not the problem, it’s those abject others.
Of course that was all bullshit, but then I learned what the IMF, World Bank, and Council on Foreign Relations (of the USA) were. These people have names and job titles and their main flaw is they’re so rich that their decision-making interests are against the majority of humans.
So I’m guessing the origins of my (undiagnosed) bipolar disorder go back to this troubled time for me. That was 12 years ago and now at age 30, I feel like I’m finally opening up.